Why Is My Child Acting Like This? Understanding What’s Beneath the Behavior
“Why does my child keep doing this?”
It’s a question I hear from parents often.
Maybe your child melts down when it’s time to leave the park. Maybe they hit when they’re angry, struggle with behavior at school, or seem to push the same boundary over and over again…even though you’ve talked about it countless times.
When a behavior keeps happening, it’s easy to ask: How do I get them to stop?
But sometimes, a more helpful place to start is: What might my child be experiencing right now?
Behavior can tell us what children can’t put into words
Children don’t always have the language to tell us exactly what’s happening internally.
A child may not walk up to you and say:
“I felt powerless when you told me it was time to leave.”
“I’m really disappointed that things didn’t go the way I expected.”
“I’m struggling with my confidence at school.”
“I feel disconnected from you today.”
Instead, we may see the feeling before we hear about it. We see the meltdown, the hitting, the refusal, or other areas of concern.
Get curious about your child’s experience
When a child is struggling, I encourage parents to pause before focusing only on stopping the behavior and ask:
What might my child be feeling?
What happened right before this?
These questions aren’t about finding the perfect explanation for the behavior. They’re an invitation to look beyond what your child is doing and consider what they may be experiencing. Imagine you tell your child it’s time to leave the playground and suddenly they’re on the ground crying, yelling, and refusing to move. Your child was having fun and they don’t want that experience to end. They might be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or powerlessness. Understanding that doesn’t mean you stay at the playground.
You can understand the feeling and still hold the boundary.
Connection and boundaries can coexist
Sometimes connection-based parenting gets interpreted as removing boundaries, negotiating everything, or avoiding anything that might upset a child. That isn’t what I mean. You can reflect a child’s emotional experience while remaining clear about what needs to happen.
At the playground, that might sound like:
“You don’t want to leave, but it’s time to go. You can choose to walk to the car or bunny hop to the car. Which do you choose?”
The boundary-we are leaving-hasn’t changed.
But within that boundary, the child has an age-appropriate opportunity to experience some control. And if they’re already in the middle of a meltdown, they may not be regulated enough to make that choice. At that point, the adult can calmly maintain the limit and help them follow through.
The same principle applies when a child hits. Instead of saying: “Stop hitting!” we can acknowledge what the child is feeling while maintaining the boundary: “You’re really angry. People aren’t for hitting.” The anger is allowed, but hitting people isn’t.
The goal isn’t to talk a child out of the feeling. It’s to communicate that the feeling can be accepted while the behavior still has a boundary.
Children need appropriate opportunities to experience control
Children have very little control over their lives. Adults decide when they wake up, where they go, when they leave, what their schedules look like, and many of the things they’re expected to do throughout the day.
Sometimes adults can unintentionally contribute to a child’s sense of powerlessness by giving them very few opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions. The key is offering choices within boundaries you are comfortable maintaining. You aren’t asking whether your child wants to leave the playground when leaving isn’t optional. You’re allowing them some control over how they leave.
Small opportunities for appropriate choice can communicate:
You have a voice.
You are capable.
You can make decisions.
We don’t have to rescue children from every “yucky” feeling
This may be one of the hardest parts. When our children are disappointed, frustrated, angry, or upset, our instinct can be to make the feeling go away. However, emotional regulation isn’t developed by never experiencing uncomfortable emotions. Children need opportunities to feel difficult feelings safely and move through them. If your child is disappointed because the answer is no, you don’t necessarily need to change the answer, offer five alternatives, or talk them out of being disappointed.
You can simply meet them there.
“You really wanted that. You’re disappointed.”
And allow the feeling to exist.
Sometimes our job isn’t to make the feeling smaller. It’s to remain regulated enough to communicate:
I can be with you in this feeling. I don’t have to make it disappear. And I trust that you are capable of moving through it.
Look beneath the behavior
The next time you find yourself thinking, “Why is my child acting like this?” you don’t have to immediately have the answer. Start by getting curious.
What happened right before this?
What might my child be feeling?
There might be frustration underneath the refusal. Powerlessness underneath the need for control. Low confidence contributing to difficulties at school. Or there may simply be a young child testing a boundary while learning how the world works.
Understanding what’s beneath a behavior doesn’t mean ignoring it. It means remembering that your child is more than the behavior you’re seeing.
Remember:
We can reflect feelings while maintaining limits.
We can offer appropriate choices without putting children in charge.
And we can allow children to experience hard feelings without rushing to rescue them.
Because the goal isn’t a child who never gets angry, disappointed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
It’s a child who gradually learns:
I can feel this—and I can get through it.
Common References:
Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Landreth, G.L., & Bratton, S.C. (2019). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315537948
