Why Is My Child Acting Out Before School? Understanding Back-to-School Anxiety
Back-to-school season brings a lot of change for children. There may be a new teacher, a different classroom, unfamiliar rules, or a completely new routine. When children do not know what to expect and have little control over what happens next, they may begin to feel nervous or uneasy.
And back-to-school anxiety does not always look like typical anxiety.
Instead of saying, “I’m nervous about school,” your child may refuse to get dressed, argue about brushing their teeth, or suddenly have an emotional outburst about something that seems completely unrelated. What looks like defiance or acting out may actually be a child who does not know how to regulate what they are feeling. The emotion has to come out somewhere, so it often shows up through their behavior.
Why Is My Child Suddenly Refusing to Get Ready for School?
When children feel powerless about a big change, they may look for power in other areas.
Your child cannot choose their teacher, classroom, classmates, or school schedule. But they can refuse to brush their teeth. They can argue about their clothes. They can decide they are not getting into the car.
The argument may be about a toothbrush, but the feeling underneath it may be, “I’m nervous about going somewhere that feels unfamiliar.”
What Should I Say to an Anxious Child?
When your child is struggling, begin by reflecting the feeling you see:
“You’re feeling nervous about starting school today.” Then allow that reflection to stand on its own.
Parents naturally want to make their children feel better. You may begin explaining that their teacher is nice, reminding them that their friends will be there, or listing all the reasons they usually enjoy school. Although this comes from a loving place, too much talking and reassurance can begin to feel like rescuing the child from the emotion.
Your child does not need to be convinced that they should not feel nervous. They need to know that you see the nervousness and that it is okay for the feeling to be there.
Offer Choices
Another way to support your child through back-to-school anxiety is to offer small choices throughout the morning. So much about starting school may feel outside of their control. Their teacher, classroom, schedule, and expectations are already decided for them. Having a say in a few smaller moments can help the morning feel a little less overwhelming.
This may sound like: “You can wear the blue shirt or the orange shirt today. Which do you choose?” You might also let your child choose between two breakfast options or decide whether they want to brush their teeth or get dressed first.
These choices do not change what needs to happen, but they give your child a sense of control within the routine and may help reduce some of the power struggles you have been seeing.
How Will I Know If My Child Needs More Support?
Some anxiety can be expected when children are adjusting to a new school year. However, it may be time to consider additional support when the anxiety continues beyond the first few weeks or begins appearing in other parts of your child’s life.
You may notice changes involving:
Sleep
Separation from parents or caregivers
Frequent stomachaches
Activities your child previously enjoyed
Friendships
Emotional outbursts at home
Ongoing school refusal
You know your child best. If their anxiety continues interfering with school, home, or everyday routines, you do not have to wait for things to become unmanageable before seeking support.
How Can Play Therapy Help With School Anxiety?
Children do not always need to explain exactly what they are worried about. Sometimes, they simply know that they feel worried.
Play therapy gives children the space to experience and work through those feelings without depending entirely on words. Rather than only telling a child which coping skill to use, play therapy allows them to encounter difficult emotions and begin figuring out how to get unstuck from that feeling.
The goal is not to make sure your child never feels anxious again. Feelings of nervousness and uncertainty will come up throughout their life. The goal is to help your child learn how to recognize those feelings, work through them, and become more regulated when those feelings come up again.
The beginning of a new school year can be a helpful time to pay attention to what your child’s behavior may be communicating. What looks like a difficult morning may be your child’s way of showing you that they need help navigating a big change.
Back-to-school anxiety can make mornings feel overwhelming, but your child does not have to stay stuck there. With the right support, they can learn to understand their anxiety, move through it, and feel more confident facing new experiences.
If back-to-school anxiety continues making daily life difficult for your child or family, additional support may help. I provide play therapy for children and parent support for families in New Port Richey, Trinity, Starkey Ranch, and surrounding Pasco County communities through The Bay Counseling Group. I would be happy to schedule a consultation to discuss if this is the right fit for your child.
Common References:
Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Landreth, G.L., & Bratton, S.C. (2019). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315537948
